i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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