I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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