I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
