she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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