she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize