Pappa wants mamma naked
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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