I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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