so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
