dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
