I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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