did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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