end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
