wanna go halves on a baby?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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