So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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