my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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