If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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