So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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