I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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