My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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