your thong is hanging out like whoa
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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