Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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