You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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