Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize