Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I bet he comes in French.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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