THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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