I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
