dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
