ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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