I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
