I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
