in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
