nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize