I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
