I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
