Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
