When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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