Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Randomize
