Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
