people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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