there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
