every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
