Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
