It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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