I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
did i just pee glitter
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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