if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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