I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
