Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
