I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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