There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
God, I missed his penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
