I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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