I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
how drunk are you?
Several
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize