and she was petting her beer can
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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