i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
