I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
