you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
