Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
