you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
