Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
