I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
