i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
