dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize