DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
